


The Heart Goes On

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-06
Updated: 1999-05-06
Packaged: 2018-11-11 02:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11139030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Fraser misses Ray while he is undercover. But do the changes in his dreams mean Ray will soon return?





	The Heart Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Heart Goes On

  
[A short, round figure skitters out of the shadows, blonde top-knot flying, papers and computer disks scattering in her wake. She slides to a stop and smiles blindingly...]  
  
FINALLY! The Kender has finished another Due South story! And there was much rejoicing (at least on this side of the keyboard anyway <g>).  
  
Now, before I get pelted with otters, I KNOW this doesn't mesh with the "cannon" of the third season. Think of it as an Alternate Version of how Ray V comes back. (No, I haven't seen the "real" version... and after all I've heard I don't think I want to - I think Tribe Denial has the right idea on some things <g>). Don't get me wrong... I like the "new guy" a lot (and I hope that shows in my version of Ray K here) but Benny just *belongs* with Ray V. ;-)  
  
Anyway, I heard this song and it just seemed too appropriate for the boys. Hope y'all like it. Any and all feed back is MORE than welcome (no flaming please - Kender egos are fragile things) and can be sent to me at "nekoneko@southwind.net". Just be sure to put "Kender" somewhere in the subject line so Mooncat can get it to me.  
  
[With a quick bow Kender scurries back into the shadows murmuring about an overactive Muse and RL interfering with her hobbies. ~ *Curious about what the Kender has been up to? Check out Mooncat's site for her non-Due South stories <http://www2.southwind.net/~nekoneko>. I'm in the Red Room. There isn't much there now, but more should be coming soon. TYK! Kender*]   
  
WARNINGS and DISCLAIMERS: 1)They aren't mine and no money was made on this story. It's a work of fiction written by fans, for fans. Don't sue me... I'm too poor to be worth the trouble.  
2) This story contains graphic depictions of consensual and loving sexual activity between two men ( **that means NC-17 folks** <wg>). If you are under age or the thought of this type of relationship offends you... there's this little button marked delete... use it now.  
3) Sap warnings and happy ending alerts. <g> Enjoy  
4) // = thought  
5) ok to archive on the Due South Archive. Anywhere else... ask first please.  
  
Now on to the story...  
~~~~~~~~@@~~@@~~@@~~~~~~~~  
  


## The Heart Goes On

****

  
by Kender (the one person on the face of the earth who has YET to see this movie... and has no plans to do so :-p  <phbbbttttt!>)  
(Song: "The Heart Will Go On" By Celine Dion)  
~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~  
  
  
"Don't go Ray. Please... Ray? RAY!!"  
  
  
**_Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you,  
That is how I know you go on.  
  
Far across the distance  
And spaces between us  
You have come to show you go on.  
_**  
  
I dreamed about you again last night Ray. I should be use to this by now. I've seen you in my dreams nearly every night for the past eight months, ever since you left for this dam... for this undercover assignment. It's become a routine now; I turn back the bedroll, turn off the light, lay down, close my eyes and wait for you to be there. Sometimes it's nothing more than memories of our times together, the cases, the family dinners at your home, or of our few times *together* before you left. Those are the hardest I think, going to sleep remembering your touch then waking up so totally alone. I never realized how much I had gotten use to having you beside me until you weren't there. But that's neither here nor there as they say. You're There, wherever *there* is, and I'm Here and all I can do is wait for you to come back.  
  
And I know you're coming back Ray. First of all you told me you'd be in touch and that you'd see me again. You've never lied to me Ray, misdirected and omitted things yes, but never lied... and you had better not start now. I'm not really worried though. I'd know if you weren't coming back. I don't know *HOW* I'd know, but I get the feeling I'd know. If you di... if you weren't coming back, part of me would leave with you, I'd *Feel* it go. So far, I've not felt that, so somehow I know you're still out there, somewhere. At least that's what I keep telling myself.  
  
  
**_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on.  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on.  
_**  
  
Then I remember the other times, times like last night, where it's more than just memories, when it feels like you're actually here. Some cultures believe that a person can communicate on a spiritual or psychic level with someone they are close to, someone they love. They believe that the bond between the two can act as a connection that allows them to contact one another regardless of the distance separating them. I never really believed that... until now. Once a month, every month since you've been gone, I've "felt" you as I've dreamed.  
  
It never ceases to amaze me how vivid those dreams are Ray. On those nights, it's like you're really here, holding me, reassuring me that you're safe. I wonder sometimes if you are having the same dreams on those nights. If you're hearing my words of love and feeling my arms as they draw you close, at least in my dreams. I'll have to ask you when you come back. It's not the same as actually having you here, but it helps. Usually.  
  
Last night that changed. The dreams, normally so tender and peaceful, changed somehow. I could feel you like always, but you seemed distant, sad. You held me close like always but I couldn't get over the feeling that it would be the last time I would hold you like that. I didn't want the dream to end, but I knew it would, so I held on to you as tightly as I could, as if I could pull you to me by shear force of will. But the morning came, as it always does, and as I started to awaken, you began to fade away. I reached out for you and you just smiled and kissed me softly then you were gone. I woke and my lips still tingled from the contact and I could swear I caught the lingering smell of your aftershave on the air.  
  
I miss you Ray. Please be safe.  
  
~~~~~~~~  
"Hey Fraser. You ready to go buddy?"  
  
"In a moment Ray, I have to finish putting these files away first. I won't be long."  
  
"Yeah yeah. Just get it done will ya, we've gotta get going."  
  
"Understood Ray."  
  
It still seems strange to call him by your name, even though it *IS* his name as well. He's so much like you, yet so very different. He's all nervous energy and fire, wrapped in an unkempt but attractive frame. Yes Ray, I think he's attractive, in his own coltish way, all arms and legs and loose-jointed ease. Who knows, if things had been different, if you and I had never found each other, perhaps he and I... But we *did* find one another, so it doesn't bear thinking about. I guess it's just the loneliness talking. I miss you Ray.   
  
"Fraser, come on! Ma won't wait forever. Leave the files for Turnbull and let's get going."  
  
"Yes Ray."  
  
He's more nervous than normal tonight, I wonder if something happened at the precinct.   
  
~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~  
  
"Morning Fraser."  
  
I get into the car in silence. At least he didn't say "good" morning, because it's not and I think he understands that. You left eight months ago today Ray. Eight months you've been gone from my life and I don't know how much longer I can hold on.  
  
"Fraser? Are you alright? You look like hell."  
  
"Thank you for noticing Ray." I know I sound peevish, but I can't help it. "I've not been sleeping well," I murmur in way of apology.  
  
"Anything I can do?"  
  
//Can you bring my lover back?// I want to snap but instead say, "No. I'll be fine."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
I can feel his eyes on me now and know it's going to be a VERY long day. It's like those narrowed eyes can see straight into my thoughts and I'm not sure I can face that today. How could I explain to him that I'm not sleeping because *you're* not in my dreams anymore? For three weeks now you've been gone from my dreams as well as from my life, ever since that disturbing dream where I felt you slip away. I can't help but worry that you're gone forever.  
  
"You're worried about him."  
  
Am I always that easy to read? You could always do that Ray, but it still shocks me that he can as well. I turn to look at the young man beside me. His blue eyes dart back and forth between my face and the road as he waits for a confirmation. We both know it wasn't a question.  
  
"Yes I am Ray."  
  
The blue eyes soften a moment and he seems to struggle with what to say. He turns his attention back to the road and silence descends once more. I'm glad really. I don't think I'm up to sympathy right now.  
  
"He's gonna be ok Fraser. You have to believe that."  
  
The soft spoken words catch me off guard and I struggle to maintain my outward calm. It's so hard sometimes, especially when he uses that particular tone... that tone that reminds me so much of you. It's the same comforting, reassuring voice that you used when I was in the hospital after the shooting. Did I ever tell you I could hear you talking to me Ray? That, as I lay in a drug induced coma after surgery, I could hear you as you told me you loved me. I knew you were there Ray and I came back, not for Victoria, but for you. Did I ever remember to tell you that? Will I ever get the chance?   
  
I feel his long, graceful hand settle on my shoulder and I can't stop the single tear that snakes down my cheek. He squeezes my shoulder gently but doesn't say a word and it's almost more than I can take. It's such a simple gesture, but so much like one of yours. He pretends not to notice as I dash away the dampness from my cheeks. I try to attribute it to my lack of sleep, to my worry over your safety, to anything but the fear and grief I feel building inside me. I have to hold on to the hope that you're still out there. That you're still able to come back to me.  
  
"Hey Fraser. Why don't you come with me tonight? I'm going over to see the family and I know Ma and the kids would love to see you. It'll do you some good to get out of the Consulate for a while anyway. What'd ya say?"  
  
I want to say no. I don't think I'm up to facing your home without you in it. But as I turn to look at him, I can't refuse. Something in his eyes, or his manner, I'm not really sure, but something tells me to agree. One of your "hunches" Ray? I can't help but smile at that particular memory. You always said to trust your hunches...  
  
"I think I'd like that Ray."  
  
"GREAT! I'll pick you up at the Consulate after my shift. Now, explain to me one more time WHY we're going to see this guy about a shipment of fish parts?"  
  
"It's simple Ray. There's a strong possibility that the shipment in question was being used as a cover for artifact smugglers..."  
  
"I'm not gonna have to go digging around in a bunch of dead fish am I Fraser?"  
  
"Of course not Ray. Well, you shouldn't *need* to anyway."  
  
"I was afraid you'd say something like that."   
~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~  
  
  
  
**_Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never let go till we're one  
_**  
  
"That has got to be one of the most DISGUSTING things I have EVER done Fraser. WHY do I let you talk me into these things? WHY?"  
  
"It was a joint effort Ray." I explain patiently... again. "You didn't have to jump in after the suspect. I was more than willing..." A single, finger is raised in front of my eyes and I allow the comment to fade into silence.  
  
"*Don't* tell me you would have jumped into that fish filled hold. NO. I was *not* going to give the Dragon Lady another chance at me."  
  
I cringe at his use of your nickname for Inspector Thatcher. I'm not sure if it's because of the disrespect it shows for a talented officer, or because it reminds me of you. I try to concentrate on what Ray is saying, knowing that it's mostly just a release of frustration and tension. In that Ray is VERY MUCH like you.  
  
"I mean, she blamed me for getting you assigned to this in the first place. It's not MY fault that everyone knows you. But I'm not about to let her blame me for you getting fish guts all over that precious Red coat of yours. Think about it Fraser, jeans and a cotton tee are a heck of a lot easier to clean than that jacket. Speaking of which, I have GOT to go change."  
  
I watch as Ray walks back to the car, pulling the tight t-shirt away from his body as he moves. The wet and stained cotton clings to his torso, emphasizing how very thin he is. I worry about that sometimes. You were always slender Ray, where *this* Ray is just simply too thin. You have an elegant sleekness to you Ray, that your Armani suits and silk shirts tend to hide. It wasn't until the horse parasite incident that I realized how beautiful your body actually was. I'll never forget sitting in your bathroom, talking to you through the shower curtain as your family bustled in and out of the small room. You shouted at everyone, asking if it mattered to anyone that you were naked. Oh it mattered all right Ray. It mattered to me. It took everything I had not to lock the door and join you under the warm spray of the shower. I think that was the first time I realized that I was attracted to you Ray. It worried me. Not because I was attracted to a man, but because I was attracted to my best friend... and I didn't think you'd return that affection. I'm glad I was wrong.  
  
"Hey Fraser? Are you gonna stand there all day or are you coming with me?"  
  
"On my way Ray. Sorry."  
  
"Not a problem. You mind if I drop you at the Consulate and then pick you up tonight? I've got to go shower, get a clean change of clothes, and then finish up the paperwork on this thing. If I drop you off now, *SHE* won't be able to say I kept you from your 'REAL' work."  
  
"Understood Ray. That would be fine." Besides, that will allow me some time alone with my thoughts.  
~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~  
  
**_Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always go on.  
  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on  
_**  
  
"Damn."  
  
"Constable Fraser? Are you alright sir?"  
  
"I'm fine Turnbull," I answer quickly, sticking the bleeding finger in my mouth for a moment. Light blue eyes peek hesitantly around the corner. Sighing, I explain, "I just cut my finger on one of the files. I'll be alright."  
  
"yes sir."  
  
I don't think he's convinced.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
damn.  
  
"Yes Constable?"  
  
"Would you like me to finish that for you? With the Inspector gone to her meeting... well, she doesn't need to know *who* finished the filing."  
  
Do I really look that bad?  
  
"It really wouldn't be a problem sir. And I know you have... um... paperwork from this afternoon that you'll be needing to finish."  
  
Do I look that obvious when I'm lying Ray? It would explain why I could never fool you. I'm grateful though. "If you wouldn't mind."  
  
"No sir. I mean... I wouldn't mind sir."  
  
As he takes the remaining files I can't help but wonder what he sees as he studies me so intently. He's calmed down a good deal since you last saw him Ray. I think, once he gets a little more use to dealing with the public, he'll make an excellent Mountie. He's come a long way, but he still has far to go.  
  
I escape to the quiet of my office and close the door. Diefenbaker comes and lays his head on my thigh as I sit down. I think he misses you almost as much as I do Ray. I open the drawer by my left knee and withdraw the now familiar picture that came into my possession eight months ago. I study the strong scrawl and smile, I wish I could warm you as easily as I did the paper I hold in my hand. I turn the postcard over and can't stop the tears as I stare into your laughing eyes once more.   
  
As soon as I saw which picture you had chosen, I knew that you were trying to reassure me. It worked. I'll never forget when that picture was taken or how happy I was... how happy *we* were. Could everyone see the love that shone in our eyes as your sister snapped that photo? One week, we'd been lovers for one week when Maria asked if she could take my picture for the "family photo album". I've never been so honored Ray. I stood where your mother directed me, straightened my lanyard and was suddenly more nervous than a cadet facing his first inspection. Then you appeared at my side. You leaned in and whispered "I love you" and I couldn't keep the smile off my face as Maria snapped the picture. Our first picture together as lovers.  
  
Please don't let it be the last Ray. Please come home to me.  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Yo. Fraser? You ready to go?"  
  
"Nearly Ray."  
  
I carefully place the treasured postcard back in the drawer and turn to greet Ray. He is crouched by the door, deep in quiet conversation with Diefenbaker. I've never seen Diefenbaker quite so intent in his greetings to Ray. He's snuffing at Ray's shirt with an enthusiasm he usually reserves for abandoned donut boxes. At least *this* Ray doesn't spoil Diefenbaker *quite* as much as you use to. Maybe that's why Diefenbaker misses you so much. I clear my throat, signaling my readiness to leave. Ray smiles indulgently and scratches behind Dief's ears as Diefenbaker's tail begins to thump the floor excitedly. I think I hear him tell Dief that something is "just between us", meaning him and Dief, but I can't be sure.  
  
Ray rises with a dancer's ease and turns to face me. He's up to something. He never uses that particular smile on me unless he wants something. I pretend not to notice. I pull on my leather jacket and look at Ray expectantly.  
  
"Shall we go Ray?"  
  
He shifts nervously as I refuse to lower my eyes. He's definitely up to something. I keep my expression carefully innocent, giving nothing away... and it makes him almost as crazy as it makes you Ray. He *hates* it when he knows that I know he's up to something but I refuse to ask what. I can wait.  
  
We make it to the car and away from the curb without further comment. He keeps glancing at me but says nothing. I continue to wait. I'm in no hurry. When he's had enough he'll tell me what he wants.  
  
"Umm. Fraser?"  
  
Three blocks... I knew he'd break easily. He's much easier to do this to than you ever were Ray. And he isn't *nearly* as vocal about it when he does break. I miss that Ray. I never thought I'd say that, but I do miss your good natured complaining.  
  
"Yes Ray?"  
  
"I need to stop back by the apartment to pick up some stuff for Francesca."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"What *ah* ?!? She loaned me some books and I promised to get 'em back to her tonight. That's all"  
  
"Of course Ray."  
  
"Would you STOP THAT?!? I just forgot 'em, that's all. It's nothing big! She needs 'em back tonight or I'd forget about it until later."  
  
It's so easy sometimes.  
  
He likes her Ray and I think it's returned. I'm confident you would approve. They argue a great deal, but he can hold his own with her and he treats her well. That alone speaks well for him.  
  
"I understand Ray. Could you use some help bringing them down from the apartment?"  
  
His face lights up as if I've just solved some great problem for him. Finally the truth comes out.  
  
"Yeah, that'd be great Fraser. Really great. Thanks."  
  
When will he learn to just ask for help? I don't mind, really.  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
We stop in front of his apartment building and he and Diefenbaker precede me up the stairs. I pause to hold the door for one of his neighbors as she struggles out with a large stack of boxes. She thanks me with a smile and an offer of her phone number, which I politely refuse before heading up the stairs to Ray's apartment. I can hear him talking as I approach the door and can't help wondering who he's speaking with. I knock politely and open the door at his invitation.  
  
Ray is speaking with someone who is kneeling and petting a very excited Diefenbaker. The man's back is to me but he seems oddly familiar.  
  
"I'm sorry Ray. I didn't realize you had company."  
  
The other man looks up at Ray and Ray smiles and nods. The man rises and I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Diefenbaker gazes happily up at the man, his tail beating a rapid tattoo on the wooden floor and I feel my heart jump to match it's racing rhythm.  
  
"It's ok Benny. No one's *suppose* to know he has company."  
  
  
**_There is some love that will not  
go away  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_**  
The familiar voice washes over me like a balm and I close the door quietly behind me. It can't be safe for you yet if no one is suppose to know you're here. I'm afraid to move. Afraid to look at you too closely for fear that it's just another dream. I stand beside the door, barely daring to breathe. Finally you turn and I find myself looking into beautiful and oh so very familiar hazel-green eyes.  
  
"Ray?"   
  
My voice sounds odd even to my own ears, a rough whisper that shatters the silence in the apartment. You cross the floor to stand before me and smile. God how I've missed that smile. But I still can't bring myself to touch you, afraid that if I do I'll shatter some beautiful illusion. Somehow you know. I swallow as one long fingered hand reaches out and caresses the side of my face. I lean into your touch and sigh as your thumb tenderly brushes over my lips.  
  
"Yeah Benny. It's me."  
  
  
**_You're here, there's nothing I fear,  
And I know that my heart will go on  
_**  
  
My arms close around you and pull you tightly against me. My lips seek yours and I drown in the heat of you. All the cold, numbing fear of the past three weeks, the past eight months, is replaced with the warmth from your kiss and I feel myself melt into your embrace. You hold me almost as tightly as I hold you, and I'm surprised at the tremors I feel shaking your slender form. I pull back to look into your face and find it wet with tears. You smile at me as I wipe the tears from your cheeks then lean in to claim another kiss. You keep the kiss light and brief, ending it by drawing back and leading me toward the couch.  
  
Our hands linked, we cross the room and settle on the couch. Only then am I aware that Ray, the *other* Ray, is standing and watching us in amused silence. I meet his blue eyes and can feel the heat rising in my face. He laughs.  
  
"Well, if I wasn't sure about you two before, I am now."  
  
I try to pull away but your arms draw me near. I'm not ashamed of you Ray, it's just that it was all so new when you left and I'm not sure how *you* want to deal with this. I don't want to lose this now that I've finally gotten you back.  
  
"It's ok Benny," you whisper in my ear. You press a gentle kiss to my temple before turning back to Ray. "Don't tease him Kowalski. I told you about Benny and me last week when I asked you to help me find a way to see him."  
  
Last week? I turn and look at my blonde partner. "How long have you known about this Ray?"  
  
I watch as Ray fidgets. This isn't a good sign. I press him further, "How long Ray?"  
  
"Three weeks Fraser. Welsh called me into his office three weeks ago and told me that we; he, Huey and I, were going to be helping pull Ray V out of his undercover assignment. I wanted to tell you Fraser, but I couldn't. It had to look like business as usual with you and if you *knew* Ray V was coming back... well..."  
  
Blue eyes dart back to meet with hazel-green and there's no missing the pleading in them. I feel your hand rubbing large circles across my back but I refuse to relax. Three weeks. THREE DAMNED WEEKS!  
  
"Benny. Relax before you pop a vein. You *know* he couldn't tell you. Don't punish him for doing his job."  
  
"Ray. I could have helped."  
  
"Benny, you *did* help. You helped it look like everything was normal so the people who might have been looking for me didn't realize anything was odd. You kept me safe more than anyone else."  
  
"How would they have known to look for you Ray? *You* were still here as far as anyone knew."  
  
"Somebody got a little too close after I was admitted to the hospital..."  
  
I jump at the word, searching your face and form for signs of injury. "HOSPITAL!?! Ray, were you hurt? What happened?"  
  
"Calm down. I'm fine. It was a bit of a freak accident. Somebody tried to poison the head of the family with tainted wine. Unfortunately I happened to get the first glass. I knew something didn't taste right and I kept him from drinking any... right before I passed out. I woke up in the hospital with three of the Don's best men guarding me. Heck of a way to get in good with the target, but it worked.   
  
"Unfortunately, it drew the attention of the person who SENT the wine. Turned out to be the Don's third in command. He was out to destroy the Don and his son so HE could take control of the operation and he almost succeeded. ANYWAY, Carlos, the third in command, started checking up on me and watching my every move. He found some abnormalities between my records and the records of the man I was *suppose* to be. I have some scars and old injuries the other guy never did."  
  
I smile at the knowing look you send me. Most of those injuries occurred while we were working together. I gently squeeze your hand and you just shake your head before leaning in for a quick kiss. The kiss lingers until Ray finally coughs and we break apart guiltily. We turn and look at him and he laughs.  
  
"You two have it SO bad."   
  
"You should try it some time Kowalski," you say as you draw me back to lean against your chest, "it's a wonderful feeling."  
  
"I just might Vecchio, I just might." Ray crosses to a chair facing the couch and sits down, "But first I want to hear the rest of this. If I'm gonna keep an eye out for you I'll need to know the rest of this."  
  
"Yeah. Sorry. Carlos sends a few of his guys out to do some digging. One of the leads gained him a name... Vecchio."  
  
I startle, "How? From my understanding there was no link between you and the man you were impersonating."   
  
Ray answers this time, "From what we can tell, Carlos' man was showing a picture of Ray V around the hospital and happened to find a nurse who'd just transferred in from Chicago. She remembered you and Ray V. Ray's contact didn't reach her fast enough to stop her from giving the name. The man took the info to Carlos and Carlos took it to the Don's son. The son went with Carlos to check it out."  
  
"Wouldn't do to have dad's number one protector turn out to be a cop," you add with a laugh. But I know you too well to miss the tremor in your voice. It was closer than you care to think about, wasn't it Love? I turn in your embrace and wrap a strong arm around you. You run your hand absently through my hair before taking up Ray's account.  
  
"Carlos had me accompany them to the hospital. I didn't know anything about the nurse at that point, but my contact had filled her in on the situation by then. When Carlos called me over while he was talking with her I thought it was all over. I recognized her and KNEW she had to know who I was. She looked me in the eye and said that she'd been mistaken. She told Carlos that he should get a better picture, because I was OBVIOUSLY not Vecchio... I was much more attractive. I had my contact send her a dozen roses when I got back to Chicago," you add with a laugh.  
  
"So, instead of Carlos getting me ousted, *HE* lost face. The Don and his son started looking a little more closely at Carlos' activities and found a lot of abnormalities. Carlos found himself in disgrace and in danger. Three and a half weeks ago he made his final attack. He killed the Don's son and nearly killed the Don as well. Luckily for me, enough of the Don's people knew the Don's distrust of Carlos, otherwise I wouldn't have had time to get out. Carlos TRIED to pin the whole thing on me.  
  
"I contacted my Safety and arranged to be pulled out and they arranged the take downs. The Don chalked it all up to Carlos and put a contract out on him. Carlos figured it was all *MY* fault that he'd fallen out of favor with the Don so he came after me. The Don put me under his *personal* protection and arranged for me to be entrusted to someone 'safe'."  
  
"That's where *we* came in Fraser. Frank Zuco and his men were the 'safe place' they were going to send him. Zuco came to Welsh and we set about getting Ray V home."  
  
It surprises me to hear that Frank Zuco helped you Ray. After all that's happened between you I'd have thought he would have abandoned you to your fate. I'm glad he didn't.  
  
"He did it for Irene, Benny. He told me as much. Because of her, and YOU, Zuco agreed to keep my secret. He told the Don that he'd make sure I was safe. He's the reason I won't have to worry about any of the Don's men coming after me. As far as the Don knows, I'm safely out of the country."  
  
"Then why the secrecy Ray? If you don't need to fear retaliation from the Don... why couldn't you tell me you were back?"  
  
"Because Carlos got away and he has a name to search for... Vecchio. AND since Ray Vecchio and Benton Fraser are KNOWN to work together, we couldn't risk it. You needed to keep acting like Ray K was me. Carlos would be watching for any changes in your or Ray K's behavior."  
  
"So Carlos has been caught?"  
  
"Not yet Benny. Which is why I can't run the risk of being seen just yet. But I couldn't go any longer without seeing you. SO, Ray K helped me arrange a way to see you."  
  
"Yeah Fraser... and you didn't make it easy! I wasn't sure how I was going to get you up here. Now settle in. I've got to get to the house and let Ma know everything is ok. The apartment is yours for as long as you need. Welsh is sending 'Det. Ray Vecchio' out of town, to an undisclosed location, with his family until Carlos is caught. And the Detective's best friend and cohort, Constable Benton Fraser, is keeping a watchful eye on said Detective's apartment until he returns. Unfortunately the kind Constable ended up sick and had to stay in bed for several days after Ray left town."  
  
I refuse to blush at Ray's teasing. "Ray, I have duties at the consulate."  
  
"Thatcher knows the situation and has agreed to give you as much time as you need. We've got a solid lead on Carlos, we just have to bring him in. He should be securely in custody in a few days. Until then, all we can do is wait. I figured you'd rather wait here than at the consulate where you wouldn't have any privacy."  
  
I know I'm blushing now as both you and Ray begin to laugh. I don't care. I'm here... you're here... and you're safely in my arms. Nothing else matters Ray. Nothing. You smile at me again and my heart soars. I've missed you so much Ray. You kiss me deeply, leaving no doubt that the missing was mutual. I'm dimly aware of Ray rising from his chair and gathering his coat and a bag. You pull away reluctantly and move to join him by the door.   
  
I turn to watch you, both of you, as you stand by the door saying your good byes. My Rays, so alike, yet so different. Two wonderful men and excellent officers, if a bit unorthodoxed. You've both taught me a great deal about myself and friendship... and love. You shake Ray's hand and thank him for all he's done. He simply shrugs and says it's nothing. That's typical of Ray, at least in things that truly matter. Then, with a final farewell, he is gone and we are alone.  
  
You sit beside me on the couch and take my hand in yours. We stare at each other nervously, unable or unwilling to break the silence that has fallen. Diefenbaker wanders over and lays his head on your lap, licking our joined hands. You smile and scratch behind Diefenbaker's ears. His tongue lolls from his mouth as he begs for more attention. I start to admonish him but you shake your head.  
  
"Benny, let me handle this." You take Dief's muzzle in your hand and make sure he is looking at you before you speak. "Listen furface, I'm glad to see you too, but I want to spend some time with your two-legged counterpart here. Understand? Make yourself scarce and I'll make sure you get one of the jelly doughnuts Ray K left in the fridge for us. OK?"  
  
"Ray. Don't encourage him."  
  
"Benny. I've been gone for eight months. If I want to spoil the furball for taking good care of you while I was gone, I'm gonna do it. Understood?"  
  
"Understood Ray."  
  
"Good. It's nice to see *Some* things haven't changed."   
  
I smile as you motion Dief away. There is still one thing that puzzles me though, "Ray?"  
  
"Yeah Benny."  
  
"Why do you call Ray 'Ray K'?"  
  
You laugh. "Force of habit. I was getting use to being called Ray again and every time the debriefing chief would call for 'Ray'... we'd *both* answer. So, he began to refer to me as Ray V and Kowalski as Ray K. It made sense so we stuck with it."   
  
"Ah..."  
  
You laugh again and smile up at me. Our eyes meet and the laughter fades. Your eyes are unreadable as you gaze at me, the hazel-green orbs cataloging every feature of my face. I try not to blush, this is *you*, my friend and lover... *MY* Ray who has been gone for far too long. I can feel my body responding to your nearness and I shift unconsciously. You seem to come back to yourself at my movement, your eyes turning away. I catch your chin and turn those beautiful eyes back towards me, "I've missed you Ray."  
  
You smile back. "I've missed you too Benny. Benny, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. That I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Ray K told me how hard it was for you when you got back and everyone was calling him me. He said you'd seemed so lost at first. I'm so sorry Benny. I never meant to hurt you."  
  
I place two fingers gently against your lips, stilling the painful words. I know why you had to do what you did Ray. I don't blame you. I'd have done the same thing in your place. I don't say anything because I know that words won't reassure you, not when you're like this. When you're so wrapped in your pain and guilt, feelings that you don't deserve, words can't reach you. I learned that after Louis' death and again after Irene's. So I do the thing that will reassure you the most... I lean forward and kiss you. I pour all my love and forgiveness and longing and passion into this tender pressing of lips. All the hopes and fears of the past eight months, the love I've been holding onto until you came back, all this and more I try and convey to you through the touch of my lips to yours. I wrap my arms around you and feel the trembling begin. I deepen the kiss, darting my tongue out to tease at the corner of your beautiful mouth and I taste the salt of your tears as you part your lips to allow me inside.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
You press yourself against me, your arms curling around my shoulders and your long fingers burying themselves in my hair. I hold you close, my hands running over and over your slender form, reacquainting themselves with the feel of you. I kiss you like a man possessed, my tongue laying claim to your mouth, reveling in the familiar spice that is you. I kiss you until my brain forcibly reminds me of the need to breathe and we part, both stunned by the intensity of the kiss. Your cheeks are wet, but you are finally smiling.  
  
"I love you Ray. I always will."  
  
"Thank you Benny. You don't know how many times that was all that kept me going. I was afraid..."  
  
I caress your face gently, "Never Ray... You are my heart, now and always."  
  
"I love you Benton Fraser. Never forget that, ever."  
  
The emotion and conviction in your voice stuns me. What happened to you in those eight months Ray? And how can I ease the shadows I see in your beautiful eyes? Your hands, still buried in my hair, pull me close for another kiss. I follow willingly, letting you set the pace... and what a pace it is. You kiss me breathless then begin your assault on the rest of my body. You rain kisses across my jaw, tracing a path to my ear and neck. You nip at the tender flesh and I shudder. You suck and tug at the column of my neck until I am moaning helplessly and struggling to draw you closer. You comply, settling close, nearly in my lap, never taking your lips from my skin for long. Nimble fingers undo the top buttons of my shirt and peel it slowly back so the questing lips can settle over the fluttering pulse. I lean my head back to give you more access to my neck then inhale sharply as gleaming teeth close over the sensitive juncture of shoulder and neck. I'm writhing by the time you finish with your task. I'll have to wear a turtleneck for a few days, but I don't mind... it's a mark for the world to see. A mark that means I am yours and yours alone.  
  
My arousal presses painfully against the zipper of my jeans and I moan softly as you shift closer. You smile wickedly at me and run a teasing finger over the obvious bulge at my crotch. The breath hisses through my teeth as my hips thrust up to meet your exploring hand. You laugh huskily and whisper in my ear...  
  
"Guess I'm not the only one who missed this."  
  
My only answer is a moan as I struggle to pull you in for another kiss.  
  
"No, no, no. Not yet... soon."  
  
Slowly, you rise from the couch and offer your hand to me. I allow you to pull me from my comfortable position, because it brings me into your arms once more. I lean full length against you and smile at your shuddering breath as I press my groin against yours. Your hands clutch at my waist and I take advantage of your distraction. Reaching down I cup the heat of your erection through the soft cotton of your dress slacks. You whimper and bury your face in my neck.  
  
"Oh God Benny. It's so good to feel you again Love... so good. But I want more. PLEASE Benny. I want to feel you in me. I want to wake up tomorrow knowing that this isn't just another dream."  
  
"It's not a dream Ray," I murmur as I kiss your neck, "I promise it's not a dream."  
  
You lean into me and I suddenly want to feel more of you. Without warning I swing you into my arms and carry you into the bedroom. You don't protest. I lower your feet to the floor and begin to undress you, eager to feel the press of your skin against mine. Your hands capture mine, stilling them against your chest and I can feel the rapid flutter of your heart beneath my fingertips. I search your hazel-green eyes trying to understand why you've stopped me. You smile and trace my lips with a feather touch. I stand, mesmerized, as your fingers trace the contours of my face, splaying over my curve of my neck and down the slope of my shoulders to burrow under the fabric of my shirt. I can feel the warmth of your touch against my skin and I want to lose myself in the center of that heat. I press forward and claim your sensual mouth as your clever fingers slowly peel the fabric from my body.  
  
Shirt, pants, shoes and socks are all eased from my body until I stand before you, trembling, wearing only my boxers. You step back, your eyes searing a path over my skin. You smile as my body responds to the heat in your gaze, my body tightening, my breathing quickening as I silently beg for your touch. Nimble finger finish the task I started, opening your own shirt and easing it from your slender shoulders. Your olive skin glows golden in the light through the window. My eyes follow your hands as they move down your chest to the waistband of your pants. I can't tear my gaze away as you unfasten the slacks and let them fall to the floor and my breath catches as your lack of underwear becomes apparent. I had forgotten how beautiful you are Ray. You step out of the pool of fabric at your feet, pausing only long enough to rid yourself of your shoes and socks as well.  
  
You stand before me with a confidence I've never seen in you before. We were both so self-conscious about this before, so new to being naked with a male lover that you would always find somewhere else to look once you were completely nude. I asked you why once, and you said you were afraid of what you'd see in my eyes. Now you look me straight in the eyes, your hazel-green eyes glowing with passion and just a hint of uncertainty. I step to you and run my hand lovingly up your side, from hip to cheek, and smile as lust replaces the uncertainty.  
  
You lay a hand on my chest, just over my pounding heart, and I feel the connection between us flare. It's the same connection I felt on those nights when you'd come to me in my dreams, a feeling that your heart and mine are somehow... joined. It sounds cliche I know, but it's true. I've never felt like this with anyone before Ray, only with you. The feel of your fingers pinching my nipples draws me out of my thoughts. I'm pure sensation now. Your mouth presses against mine, the heat of your tongue invading me willing mouth. I pull you against me tightly, delighting in the moan that tears from your throat as I press my cotton clad groin against your naked one. You thrust against me, seeking more contact, the friction against your sensitive skin must be torture Ray... I know it is for me.  
  
I want more. I ease you back towards the bed, my mouth blazing a path down your graceful neck. I suck lightly at the pulse point there, reassuring myself with the steady, and somewhat racing, rhythm before moving further down. I gently urge you to sit on the bed then kneel between your spread legs. Your breathing is ragged as I lean in and lick small circles down your throat. You always tease me about my penchant for tasting everything, but you never seem to mind when what I'm tasting is you. I can't get enough of you. Salt, sweat, the astringent taste of aftershave... all combine to make up the unique spice that is you. I kiss and lick my way down your chest, pausing to nip at the dark disks of your nipples until they tighten under my tongue. Your long fingers card into my hair, stroking my scalp and face as you murmur my name over and over.  
  
I smile up at you before moving lower, my hands caressing your inner thighs and my eyes never leaving your face. I move my hands to the apex of your legs, cupping the silken weight of your sack and rolling the delicate flesh gently between my fingers. Your eyes close and your head lolls back.  
  
"Oh god. Benny, please don't stop. PLEASE don't stop."  
  
I don't answer. Instead I give in to my desires. I run my tongue lightly over the head of your shaft, savoring the flavor of you. You moan, your hands moving to my shoulders and clutching for purchase as your hips strain upward towards my eager mouth. It's been too long since I've been able to indulge in this particular joy so I open my mouth wider and engulf you in one smooth motion.  
  
"GOD!!!"  
  
Only my elbows on your knees keep you on the bed as your hips thrust upward uncontrollably. I take you willingly, sucking and teasing at your flesh, urging you higher and closer to your release. You are wild beneath me, thrusting and writhing against my mouth, your hands clawing at my shoulders and your language reduced to inarticulate moans. With a strangled cry you flood my mouth with your warm seed and I swallow greedily. Your hands loosen their death grip on my shoulders and you fall bonelessly back on the bed.  
  
"God I've missed you Benny."   
  
I can't keep the smug smile off my face as I inch up your body, pausing to kiss and lick at various erogenous zones along the way. I lower myself to the mattress beside you and plant a loving kiss on your forehead. Your eyes flutter open and you reach for me, pulling me in for another, deeper, kiss. I follow willingly. Your hand moves down my body, caressing me through my boxers, as your tongue darts in and out of my mouth, mimicking movements I wish to feel from something OTHER than your tongue. It's my turn to moan as nimble fingers ease their way under the elastic waist of my boxers to stroke the hard flesh beneath.  
  
Your fingers tease and arouse me until I can't keep still. I want more Ray. I want to bury myself in you and feel the tight heat of your body surrounding me. "I want to make love to you Ray," I whisper, "Please."  
  
Your hands slide my boxers down my thighs before you ease me off you and onto my back. I follow your urging and lean back against the sheets. I sigh as you hover over me for a moment, looking at me with such love... oh Ray, I've missed you so much. You mirror my earlier movements, kissing your way down my body, teasing erogenous zones you once spent a weekend learning and exploring. I'm writhing beneath you by the time you stand and finish removing my boxers. You run your hands over my legs and lift them on to the bed. I scoot over and pull you down beside me. You roll onto your side and slowly trace the contours of my body, as if suddenly shy about what you're wanting.  
  
"Ray?"  
  
"Umm?"  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Uh humm."  
  
I can't tell what's going through your mind, but something obviously is. You're rarely this quiet. I want you so much it hurts but I won't do this if it's not what you want. Your hands never still as they pass over my body again and again. I look at your face and am startled at the naked need reflected there. I reach out and still your hands, you look up at me startled. I bring your hands to my lips and caress each finger lovingly.  
  
"What do you want Ray?" I ask as I lick your long fingers suggestively. It's a heady feeling seducing you. Before, *you* were the one seducing. You were the one who took the lead when we made love, now it's my turn. I draw one finger into my mouth and swirl my tongue around the sensitive pad, releasing it only after easing it in and out of my mouth a few times. Your eyes are dark as you stare at my face... then you smile.  
  
"I want you in me Love. Now!"  
  
Now *I* smile. I lean down and kiss you then ease you onto your back. I want to be able to see your face as I enter you. You stretch, reach up to the night stand and draw out a tube of lubricant from the drawer. I blush as I realize that either Ray K told you it was there, which means he *knows* about us, or you purchased it and placed it there. You open the tube and place it in my hand...  
  
"I'm all yours Benny," you whisper and I feel my heart soar. I don't care WHO knows about us Ray. All I care is that you are here and you want me as much as I want you.  
  
I coat my fingers with the cool gel and kneel between your wide-spread thighs. You lay your legs over my thighs and open yourself to me. I cup your firm buttocks and enjoy the feel of your flesh in my hands. I run my lubricated finger up the crease between the beautiful globes and tease at the tight entrance to your body. You squirm as I spread the slick gel over the nerve-rich skin and gently press against the opening. You try to push down, wanting more than my feather-light touch. I draw my finger back and you groan in frustration.  
  
"Soon," I promise, "relax and enjoy this."  
  
"Benny... please!"  
  
As you look up at me, pleading, I thrust my finger deep within you. The response is electric. Your eyes widen, the green darkening to near black with passion. Your body yields to me, drawing my finger in and holding it tightly. I wait for you to adjust to the sensations before beginning to gently thrust in and out of you. You whimper as I prepare you, loosening the muscles and spreading the lubricant around. Another finger joins the first, scissoring in and out until you moan out my name, begging for more. I thrust in deeply and curl my fingers forward, searching for and finding the small bundle of nerves that send you soaring. You scream my name as your body spasms in a second climax, clutching at my fingers as I continue to thrust into you. You relax, completely spent by your second release.  
  
I withdraw my fingers and coat my weeping erection with a liberal amount of lubricant. I know I won't last long in the tight heat of your body, but I want to be in you. I draw your long legs up to rest on my shoulders and place a pillow under your narrow hips.  
  
You capture my hand in yours and bring it to your lips. "I love you," you whisper as you press a tender kiss to my palm.  
  
I feel my body respond to those three simple words and I know that I have to be in you soon or I'll lose all my control. I position myself at your entrance. "I love you too Ray. Always," I respond as I push forward and breach the tight circle of your body. You gasp at the invasion but don't pull away. I still a moment, allowing you to reacquaint yourself to the feel of our bodies joining. You breath deep and then press downward with your hips, pushing yourself further onto my manhood. I respond by capturing your hips and thrusting upward, burying myself in you fully.  
  
"Oh GOD yes. Yes Benny, please don't stop."  
  
I begin to thrust, slowly at first, wanting to make it last as long as possible. But your movements combined with the sounds of your passion quickly drive my control to it's limit. You take hold of my hand and I feel your fingers clutching mine.  
  
"Do it Benny. I want to see you lose control."  
  
Your words wash over me and I begin to thrust quicker, still holding back a bit, afraid that I'll hurt you with the intensity of my desires.  
  
"Let go Benny. I NEED to see how much you want me. I need to feel you like this, please."  
  
Coherent thought stops. All that exists is you and me and the connection between us. The feel of your body clutching mine as I thrust into you spurs me upward. I can feel the familiar tightness gathering in my groin as my body surges towards release and I thrust harder, deeper, wanting to melt into your heat and fuse my soul forever with yours. Your cries urge me higher until I'm thrusting uncontrollably into you. All too soon my body convulses and my own cry merges with yours as I flood your depths with the evidence of my love.  
  
I come back to myself slowly, finding myself wrapped in your long arms, our bodies still joined. I kiss you tenderly, sighing as my movement causes my spent manhood to finally slip from your welcome heat. You push my sweat soaked hair back from my face and smile...  
  
"I love you Benny."  
  
"I love you too Ray." I try to stop a yawn and fail.  
  
You laugh and ease my head down onto your chest, "Sleep love. I'll wake you in the morning."  
  
I settle down, wrapped in the safe circle of your arms, "Promise?"  
  
"I promise," you answer seriously. "I'll be here in the morning Benny, and every morning after that."  
  
"I'm glad," I manage to whisper before sleep finally claims me.  
~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~@@~~  
  
  
I'm surprised to find that I actually do sleep. I sleep deeper and wake more rested than I have in months. I can see that the sky is starting to lighten. It will be dawn soon and you're still holding me, just like in my dreams. I raise my head from where it rests on your slender chest and your arms tighten around me. You're trembling again, your face turned towards the window, watching the sun brighten the morning sky. I wrap my arms around you reassuringly, and you finally look at me. Your eyes glisten with unshed tears and I shift so I can kiss you. Your kiss is almost frantic in its intensity but I match it with ease. I maneuver my body around so that I am the one holding you now, my hands stroking your back as I try and calm you. The sun flows through the window, warming us, but still you don't break the kiss. Your whole body shudders as I finally draw my lips from yours.  
  
Your eyes are closed and tears slowly trickle down your cheeks. I suddenly realize the toll that the last eight months have taken on you. Your body is even more slender than when you left. There are bruises and faint scars that mark your olive flesh that I've not seen, evidence that the assignment wasn't as simple as you made it sound last night. I'm bursting with questions, but there will be time enough for answers later. We have the rest of our lives. *Now* is what's important. And right now you are curled tightly around yourself, trying to fight against your fears.  
  
"Ray," I whisper, drawing you into the safety of my embrace, "look at me." You wrap your arms around me and bury your face in the crook of my neck. You kiss and lick at the flesh there and I feel my body responding to you once more. But there is no mistaking the desperation in your touch. I ease you away from me and am startled to hear you whimper. Afraid that I've hurt you, I release the grip I have on your arms.  
  
Your chin falls to your chest, your slender shoulders slump and I nearly miss your heartbroken plea, "Not another dream. Please God, not another dream."  
  
The sun is flooding the room now, morning has reached our haven and I finally understand your fears. Your words from the night before return to me... //*I want to wake up tomorrow knowing that this isn't just another dream*.// I wasn't the only one who dreamed. "Ray. It's alright love. I'm still here. It's not a dream." I draw you back into my arms and place a gentle kiss on your temple, "Look at me Ray. I'm right here. Open your eyes."  
  
"No. I don't want... If I open my eyes you'll disappear again."  
  
"No I won't Ray. I swear," I kiss you tenderly and draw back slightly, waiting for your eyes to open. You take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes. I smile at you. You smile back, that same beautiful smile you gave me last night and my heart leaps. I reach out and wipe the dampness from your cheeks and you capture my hand and kiss my open palm. "Did you sleep at all Ray?"  
  
You blush, "No. I watched you sleep. If it turned out to be another dream, I wanted to have as much time with you as I could."  
  
I can't contain my curiosity, "Did you dream about us while you were gone?"  
  
"Every night." You seem to think for a moment before continuing, "Some nights were so real Benny. I could feel you in my arms and then I'd wake up and..."  
  
"You were alone," I finish softly.  
  
"You dreamed too?" I nod, not trusting my voice. "Oh Benny. I'm so sorry." You curl into my arms, wrapping your body around mine and holding me close for long moments. It's been a long time since I've felt so safe Ray. It's not until you wipe my cheeks that I realize that I'm crying. I start to apologize but your lips against mine stop the words. You kiss me deeply, and my heart swells with the tenderness and love I feel in your kiss. It's so good to have you home again Ray.  
  
You end the kiss and lay your head against my shoulder. I stroke your hair, delighting in the feel of the short strands under my fingers. You sigh and then yawn. We both laugh. I ease us back down onto the mattress, drawing the blankets over us and settling you comfortably against my chest. You snuggle up against me, your eyes already starting to droop. I hug you close, "Rest Ray."  
  
"You won't disappear?"  
  
I smile, "No. I won't disappear."  
  
"Good. I want to wake up in your arms over and over again Benny." You plant a soft kiss on my chest before finally allowing sleep to claim you.  
  
"Always Ray," I whisper as I wrap the blanket around your shoulders and relax with the welcome feel of your weight resting against me once more, "Always." My arms wrapped securely around you, I begin to drift to sleep following you into peaceful dreams, secure in the knowledge that you'll still be here when I awaken. You're back where you belong Ray and I don't intend to let you go again any time soon. Somehow, I don't think you'll mind.  
  
  
**_We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on.   
_**  
  
~Finis~   
  
  
  



End file.
